The forgotten practice of mutual connection

As part of a series of workshops around being in right relationship, one of the most valued discussions was the concept of mutual connection, the act of feeling deeply and staying connected to oneself and others.  Mutual connection allows us to hold the cares, concerns and needs of others and our own simultaneously. 

While the idea of mutual connection appears easy, it is complex.  Let’s begin with the self.  We first get to know the relationship we have with ourselves, from the inside out. There is a voice inside of all of us that is constant chatter and becomes incredibly active when there is an internal build-up of fearful or desire-based energy. The voices are often based on your experience of the world and its desire to problem solve. Are you able to witness the chatter and how many conversations repeat? Micheal Singer’s The Untethered Soul changed my relationship with my inner dialogue and reminded me I was not the voice of my mind, I am the one who hears it.  Next, our body’s stories. The body is a tapestry of stories, energy and emotions.  Our nervous system is always tracking for safety. Our resilence is inherent. We carry deep defensive patterns in the body. Those deep defensive patterns include ignoring our boundaries or we can deny feeling and experiencing. In this case, our life force energy is unevenly distributed in the body and can lead to disconnect from the heart. Being connected to the body is building awareness and listening to the language of sensation - temperature, pressure and movement. 

If the mind and body are cut off from each other, there is a lack of overall awareness as to what we are experiencing, we are unable to feel deeply and be present. We often try to fix the discomfort we feel inside by reacting outwards or inwards.  Staying in the defence strategy means we never get to know ourselves truly.  

To be in mutuality with the self, we must be attentive to what is happening within ourselves and capable of extending love to ourselves. This is a practice, this is presence. 

Mutual connection with others is being able to feel ourselves (sensations, boundaries, emotions, commitments) while feeling and being curious about another experience at the same time.  Within relationships, can you stay present with your thoughts, feelings and sensations while being present with another? How do you deeply listen to what is happening inside of you and outside at the same time?  Many of us default in connection by leaving our own boundaries, values and commitments, trauma can train us to do this. Other times we can be responsive to other people’s needs and ignore our own where our boundaries are directed inwards, rather than outwards.

This can result in a power-over situation where another person can dominate the space.  We can say yes, when our body is screaming no – and vice versa.  Because mutual connection is not a practice most of us grew up with, we are unable to sense from a young age mutuality or not or even know ourselves well enough to trust our instincts. Can you consent – say yes, no or maybe based on your own needs while dignifying the other person’s needs, commitment and boundary as well?  Can you accept loving kindness and care, if directed towards you? 

Holding mutual connection in a collective is tricky, due to competing hierarchies, there are more needs, boundaries, cares and contradictions to attend to, while attending to ourselves. It is easy for a group to forget their purpose or only focus on their own needs none of which are sustainable. An aware/ embodied facilitator can encourage a container of mutual connection by reminding the group of their commitments, encouraging holding space for all participants and practices of boundaries and centred accountability all while feeling into their own back at the same time. A faciliator can also take care of themselves by moving their attention back and forth between their own cares and the groups. 

​Lastly, what needs to change in our economy to support connection and interdependence? This is a huge question, imagining if all of our relationships were built on mutual connection including those with nature, what would need to change?  Our economies have us practice things that encourage the opposite of mutual

connection. This is a topic I will expand on next. 

So what are the things we can do? Connect with the self - body and mind.

​Practice mutual connection with others, observe yourself under pressure and where you defend or neglect your needs.

Be in community, help hold and shape communities. 

​Practice being in a gift economy.  

​These are the small things, I am sure there is so much more we can do together.